i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
