so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
