My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
