It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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