I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
