I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
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Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
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He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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