Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
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Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
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Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
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