you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
