If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
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Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
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Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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