I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
