yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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