i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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