I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
