i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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