I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
