i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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