I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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