I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
