Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
