i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Randomize
