Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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