the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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