Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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