Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
