i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
