I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Randomize
