people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Dating After Heartbreak
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat