a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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