Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
