i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
