Quick, to the slutcave!
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
