Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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