I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
