There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
