The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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