My cat gives me a boner
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
