I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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