like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
