Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
