I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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