you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
it's like iHOP with fire
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
