Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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