Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
