At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
