My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
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I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
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Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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