and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
