Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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