Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
