I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
