Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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