Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
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