I cockslap morals
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i came on her dog
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
