at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
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I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
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You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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