Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Randomize
