i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Randomize
