I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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