i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
