piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
